The Dork Knight Rises
by Kal-El Fornia
Summary: Bruce Wayne decides that enough is enough, and becomes the Batman to help save Gotham while at the same time trying to look cool in the process. Apparently, the Batman is an idiot.
1. Batman Begins

This is ridiculous. That is all.

Disclaimer: Don't own Batman.

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><p>"So Alfred, what do you think?"<p>

Bruce thought that he actually looked pretty cool, and as he showed off how the Batsuit that he had made fitted him, he practiced swinging his cape around to improve his 'stealth'. Gotham was in trouble; Gotham needed a hero.

"You look smashing, Master Bruce."

He had to say that he was indeed satisfied with how the suit came out, and Bruce decided that if he ever needed more adjustments made to his costume, that he would ask the old ladies down at Gotham's senior center for help again. They had done wonders getting all his specifications down perfectly, and it worked out fantastically since none of them would be able to release his secret identity due to the bad memories they had on account of their old rotting brains.

"Alright Alfred, I'm off," Bruce paused as he glanced out of the corner of his eye to a window of his manor that let him see the city of Gotham, and he knew that he had to leave soon. Apparently, The Joker was loose again, and it was his duty as the newly created Batman to stop him, "don't wait up for me," and with an overdramatic swing of his cape, a swing that never came to fruition as it got caught up in his arm, he was gone.

Within minutes Batman was in his Batmobile, which currently was a third generation 1974 Oldsmobile Vista Cruiser, and he sped off towards the bank that was being held up by The Joker and his goons. He let his memories drift away to the tragedy that had befallen his family at a time when he was younger, and when he was still innocent.

Bruce and his family had just left the opera due to him being scared of something, upon trying to think of what it was he decided that he had been afraid of bats so that his epic origin story would go with the theme that he was aiming for, and then what happened had been entirely his fault. His parents wanted to take a stroll and just admire the scenery, but Bruce had wanted to go home quickly, so he dragged his father by the hand to hurry him up, and they had bumped into a random stranger. The result was that Dr. Thomas Wayne had his shoes scuffed up, and that tragedy was why Bruce had decided, all these years later, to take up the mantle of the bat to fight crime in Gotham. _Justice._

A moment later the 'Batmobile' crashed into the wall of the bank, and it wasn't until the whiplash that Bruce noticed that he had dozed off at the wheel. He opened his car door and stumbled out to a confused crowd and group of cops that were waiting outside of the bank to see what The Joker was going to do. Bruce, now Batman, looked at them, and after a moment of staring going on between him and the crowd, he just walked into the bank. His first impression had been as cool as he thought it was going to be.

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><p>Yeah.<p> 


	2. Batman Vs The Joker

Decided to continue. Still Ridiculous.

Disclaimer: still don't own Batman.

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><p>The Joker strolled out of the bathroom of the bank that he was currently robbing feeling fantastic now that he no longer needed to pee, and it didn't do him justice saying that he was surprised when he saw that something had apparently happened while he was gone. Right there in the middle of the bank was some guy dressed in a bat suit or something, and scattered throughout the rest of it were his goons; all dead. Sure, he was going to kill them anyways when they got back to the hideout, but hey he still needed someone to help hull all the bags of cash there in the first place.<p>

"What happened?"

He yelled at the closest hostage, a fat man who we'll call Bob for simplicities sake, and in the back of his mind The Joker took a tiny bit of pleasure in seeing him squirm. If all else failed, the bank robbery was worth it just for that moment.

"When that guy over there came into the bank all your guys started shooting like crazy, and well I guess they all killed each other."

Looking over at the guy who was either the stupidest, craziest, or most courageous person out there for walking into a bank that The Joker was robbing, said clown actually felt a little disappointed that his own men had killed each other like idiots instead of falling to this masked man who was arguably a bigger one than they were. It wasn't often that someone actually posed a challenge to him.

"You're kidding me right?"

Bob shook his head no, and The Joker sighed since he was hoping that his nearly obese hostage had been wrong in how his men died, but he quickly put a smile on his face, and began to stroll over to the masked moron who was across the room from him. Keeping a safe distance he kept his finger on the trigger of his gun just in case anything went down. He would have preferred it if he was wielding one of his trusty knives, but he had come to rob a bank not stab somebody; although he would have found the latter to be much more fun if he was to be honest with himself.

"What are you doing here?"

"I came to make you fear the night."

With his hand than wasn't holding a gun The Joker scratched his head since he didn't really know what this guy's deal was. Clearly he was stupid, but honestly what compels a man to dress up like a nocturnal animal and run into a hostage situation with nothing but a stupid costume and no weapons? This was either a prank someone was playing on him, or it was social Darwinism at its best.

"It's the middle of the day."

Batman growled.

"Right," he trailed off right there not really sure if this random masked stranger was okay in the head, and The Joker debated whether or not to just shoot the guy to put him out of his misery, but then he decided not to when realized that he didn't even know his name, "who are you again?"

"I am the Batman, the Dark Knight, Gotham's rooftop protector."

Truth be told, The Joker didn't really want to kill this guy anymore. Doing so would, no joke, incredibly lame pun completely intended, be a service to the world, and as a bad guy The Joker couldn't really off this guy and feel good about it. He decided to just tell him what was up, and send him on his way. After all, he was a busy little beaver and still had a bank to rob.

"Look buddy-"

"Batarang!"

The Joker never got his point across as Batman interrupted him, and threw a batarang at his face. It got stuck in his eye, and he passed out from blood loss. He was so going to murder this idiot when they release him from Arkham Asylum in a few days.

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><p>Eh?<p> 


	3. Batman: Rooftop Protector

Bleh.

Disclaimer: Don't own anything Batman related.

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><p>His cape was blowing in the wind as he stood on the ledge of one of Gotham's many rooftops. Batman's chest puffed out with his muscles rippling almost as if to make his batsuit glisten in the blackness of two in the morning, he stood there proud as the bright and morning star, and he just stared out into the night at the streetlights and the many random passing cars; he was contemplating Gotham. The city that was his to protect; his to be a symbol of.<p>

"Like this sir?"

"Can you turn the wind up just a little bit?"

After the momentary break from being a 'badass', or as Bruce wanted the term to be renamed to a 'batass', he went back to his awesome pose. He gave a quick thumbs up to Alfred who adjusted the wind generator that he had set up on the random rooftop earlier, and he began to stare out into the city again as he waited for Alfred to take his picture.

Bruce had a fantastic idea to increase the people's interest in The Batman, and all he had to do was let someone 'accidently' get a picture of him, and wait until that picture ended up being sold to a newspaper. The only problem was that Bruce actually wanted to look cool enough as to inspire people to dress up like him for Halloween, except waiting for a stranger to get a picture of him was either going to take too long or the picture had the possibility of actually coming out bad. Thus here they were, with a wind generator and a professional camera that could take night time pictures with no problem, this was practically a photo shoot.

"I think this is good enough sir."

Taking a few more pictures just in case, Alfred lowered his camera and waited for Gotham's Dark Knight, a nickname that Bruce himself had come up with and started posting on forums and websites everywhere including the infamous 4chan, to finish with his pose. He didn't understand how the hell Bruce came up with the idea to be The Batman, or why he wanted to be him in the first place; he figured that simple cosplay would have done the same trick.

"How did the pictures come out?"

Carefully stepping down from the ledge Batman rushed over to Alfred to see if the pictures were good enough to be on the cover of a newspaper. Looking over his butler's shoulder while he skimmed through the many pictures they had taken, Bruce grinned feeling happy with how they came out.

"Will this suffice sir?"

"These are awesome!" Bruce squealed happily like a little girl since he was grateful for what Alfred had done for him, but then his mind went elsewhere and he paused for a moment as his stomach began to growl "uh, Alfred?"

"Yes, Master Bruce?"

"I'm kind of hungry."

"I'll make you pancakes when we get back to the manor."

"Can you..."

Bruce trailed off right there not really wanting to finish his question, and just twiddled his fingers hoping that Alfred understood what he wanted.

"Yes, I'll make them bat-shaped."

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><p>Bleh.<p> 


	4. Batman Vs The Riddler

Riddle me this.

Disclaimer: Don't own Batman

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><p>"Riddle me this Batman! The person who makes me, sells me. The person who buys me never uses me and the person who uses me doesn't know that they are. What I am I?"<p>

Batman stood a few feet away from the Riddler, one hand clutching his last batarang, and he lowered it a bit upon hearing the latter's riddle. He of course thought of himself as a master detective, the hero of unmatched intellect that Gotham needed, but this brainteaser was just to difficult to comprehend at the moment! Even for the mind of the greatest genius the modern world has ever known. He contemplated just throwing his batarang at the gun that the Riddler was holding to his hostage's head, a fat man we'll call Bob, but Batman decided that even with his aim unparalleled to anyone else that he couldn't risk a civilian getting hurt.

"Can I have a hint?

Needless to say the Riddler was speechless. A couple weeks earlier when the Joker ended up in Arkham Asylum it was news everywhere that his bank robbery had apparently been foiled by some guy known as the Batman. According to the Joker, and a website that is a local favorite for the inmate's at Arkham which is known as 4chan, Batman was supposed to be an unstoppable force, an immovable object if you will, and yet here the Riddler was, escaping the Asylum and risking his life doing so, only to match wits with a complete buffoon. This wasn't even one of his hard riddles.

"No, you can't have a hint!"

"That's not fair!"

The Riddler pressed the gun into Bob's fat fat face, while said man cried and peed himself, and he considered just blowing his brains out and then going after the moron dressed as a bat. He paused and looked around the somewhat cliched abandoned warehouse that they were in, and he thought it a bit sad at how easy it be for him to get away with two murders tonight. He was about to pull the trigger but then stopped; the Riddler figured that if was going to kill the Batman he might as well make it as dramatic as he could just to shove it in the Joker's face later.

"You really want a hint that badly that badly Batman?"

The Dark Knight stood there with a grin on his face and nodded his head enthusiastically. The way a child does when asked if they want to go to a local amusement park. That, or the way Bruce did when Alfred decided to take him to a carnival that passed through Gotham last week.

"Yes, please!"

The Riddler pressed the gun even deeper into Bob's face. Bob cried even more pathetically.

"You and our friend here are both going to need me soon," the Riddler grinned manically, "what am I?"

Batman's face lit up, and he puffed his chest out happy that he knew the answer to the riddle. Alfred was going to be so proud of him.

"Easy, you're a birthday present."

The devious grin on the Riddler's face disappeared when he heard Batman's response. How in the world was this idiot able to defeat the Joker?

"What?"

"Happy birthday!"

With his hand that wasn't holding his batarang, Batman waved over at Bob since the man's birthday was apparently coming up, and then he put his attention back on the Riddler, but was a little cautious this time since the villain had somehow known that his own birthday was only a few weeks away. Truly, he was faced with a genius worthy of being a nemesis.

"Coffin," the Riddler removed the gun from Bob's head and began to rub his temples since the stupidity that surrounded him was beginning to give him a headache, "the answer is coffin."

Seeing an opportunity, Batman threw his batarang aiming for the gun in the Riddler's hand, but instead it landed right in the villains chest. His face was blank surprised that he had missed, but he figured it was okay since the Riddler dropped his gun and fell down backwards with the batarang still stuck in his chest.

Running over there he looked over at Bob who had stopped crying and seemed to be fine, and then the Batman knelt at the Riddler's side and pulled the batarang out of where it was lodged. The Riddler immediately had a seizure from the shock and began coughing up blood.

"Riddle me this Riddler, now who's coughin'?"

Batman stood up triumphantly with a dying Riddler at his feet, and then he met eyes with Bob again and grinned hoping that the tied up man had gotten his joke. Bob started crying again.

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><p>I decided to put a villain in every other chapter.<p>

This one seemed longer than the others.

Oh, and I also decided to name each chapter of the story.


	5. The Heart of Criminals

Still ridiculous. Still cracky.

Disclaimer: Don't own Batman.

**EDIT: Something went wrong with this chapter, and the site uploaded it twice and it disappeared. Not sure why exactly that happened. Sorry if you got two updates for it.**

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><p>"Hand it over. All of it."<p>

"No."

Batman crouched in the bushes right outside of the school that had just ended for the day, and he sat there watching this great spectacle of injustice that was going on right in front of him. Some punk bully was trying to get money from another smaller seemingly weaker child, and Batman was becoming more furious by the second waiting for his chance to strike. Alfred had told him that involving himself with the squabbles of children wasn't the best use of his time, in fact his butler had been quite frank saying that it would have been more productive to actually go down to Wayne Entreprises for once, but Bruce responded that if he expected Gotham to follow the big laws such as arson, murder, and jaywalking, that he had to enforce the little ones such as bullying and home invasions.

"I'm serious. Now."

He watched as the bully began to close in on the smaller child, and Batman prepared himself just waiting for the bully to say something to which he could make a clever awesome response. Otherwise his appearance wouldn't be as epic.

"I said no."

Batman was starting to think that maybe Alfred was right about hanging around in bushes waiting for the chance to thwart the evil schemes of children. For one, it seemed that they weren't really the types to say things that would set up the chance for him to respond with a humorously intelligent quip like he usually tended to. Secondly, it might be seen as a little creepy that he was watching children if he were to be caught; Toyman status creepy. And lastly, a branch was poking his butt. It hurt.

"Alright, I warned you."

Batman prepared to lunge as he saw the bully get right in the other boy's face, but he stopped when he saw fantastic happen. Something so amazing that the greatest creative minds would have never come up with it. Something so epic, that Batman watched in awe as he was surprised by the actions of the smaller child. Said child punched the bully once in the nose; said bully backed away and started crying.

"That hurt!"

"You made me do it!"

Batman's mouth was agape, truly this boy knew what justice was. Truly, this boy was vengeance.

"Okay okay, I won't bother you anymore."

Using his amazing detective skills, Batman amazingly detected that the bully's crying had dwindled down to sniffling. Amazing!

"You swear?"

Wait...was something happening? With his eyes widening a bit, Batman knew that his time had come.

"Alright, I swear."

This was it! Batman saw his chance! Having no other alternative he jumped from his hiding spot in the bushes, and punched the bully child as hard as he could in the face. It took that single punch to knock the boy out cold. All in a day's work for a superhero.

"Swear to me!"

Other children that had been in the vicinity ran off screaming at Batman's sudden appearance, and he grinned knowing that he had struck fear in the hearts of criminals. Or children. Eh, same thing.

"Hello?"

Turning his attention to the child that had punched the bully, Batman was surprised that he hadn't run off like the rest of them. Though, he was somewhat pleased at that. He could tell that this was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

"I'm Batman."

The boy just blinked not knowing what else to do.

"I'm Dick."

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><p>This chapter is an introduction. You know, time to expand the batfamily and all that.<p> 


	6. Batman &  Robin Vs The Polkadot Man

Chapter 6, and a new villain this time. I felt like using one of the more obscure ones.

Disclaimer: Don't own Batman.

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><p>Dick Grayson, or Robin as he was now called on account of his crime fighting costume that was given to him by his new buddy Batman, stood back surprised and watched as the Dark Knight took on their latest enemy. Well, take on might be a saying a little much; no, Robin stood there surprised and watched as Batman needlessly and mercilessly kept punching the rather harmless Polka-dot Man right in the face.<p>

"Please stop!"

Robin didn't really know what to do about the Polka-dot man yelling for Batman to stop, so he looked around at all the other patrons in the McDonald's restaurant that they were in to see if they were okay. Nodding, he decided that they were fine, and he shuffled his feet where he was at since the reason they were there wasn't really all that important. Apparently, one Abner Krill, or Polka-dot Man as he is known with oh so menacing suit on, had decided to go out in his old costume and grab a burger and fries to eat just for the fun of it. Krill had accidentally cut in line, in front of a fat man who for convenience we'll call Bob, but luckily Batman and Robin had been there eating Happy Meals that they had ordered. Immediately they attacked the Polka-dot Man, and so far fifteen minutes of punching the man repeatedly in the face had already gone by. Justice, like delicious yet affordable Big Macs and Filet-O-Fish sandwiches only found at your local McDonald's nationwide, was being served.

"Oh God, please stop."

Batman just kept on punching. Usually when he attacked criminals they went down after only a few hits or a strike with a batarang, but his current fearsome enemy had taken already dozens of direct hits to the face and counting while still being conscious. Sure, the Polka-dot Man's face was bloody and he was missing most of his teeth, but he was still awake and making noise. It was with that thought in mind, and many more punches to poor Mr. Krill, that Batman knew that Gotham would safe with this multicolored maniac off the streets.

"Batman, I think you got him?"

His fist stopped mid punch, and Batman just stared at the twitching man that he was on top of. He glanced over at Robin, and then after a moment of that looked back down at the Polka-dot Man. He immediately started punching him again.

"He's a menace Robin."

"Yeah, but I think he's done."

"Ah," The Dark Knight stopped once again, but smiled this time as he got off of the Polka-dot Man and back off a little bit. Proudly, he motioned for Robin to go over to the deadly criminal he had just subdued, "I see."

At first he didn't know what Batman meant by his actions, but then the young Boy Wonder grinned knowing what his mentor was getting at. Running over to the Polka-dot Man as fast as he could, Robin jumped on him and began punching him in the face just like Batman had been doing. Truly, they were heroes.

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><p>Speaking of Robins, I know that there are five of them.<p>

Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Tim Drake, Damian Wayne, and a girl one. Anyone know her name?


	7. The Gray Ghost Pajamas

A somewhat more serious chapter. Though, that's not saying much.

Disclaimer: Don't own Batman.

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><p>"So Alfred, what did you want to talk about? The Gray Ghost is about to start."<p>

Alfred hesitated since he wasn't sure how Bruce would take what he had to say. The master was in his Gray Ghost pajamas, as was the young Dick Grayson who was just in the other room, and Alfred didn't want Bruce to be offended or hurt in any way. He looked Bruce up and down considering whether or not to just drop what he was going to say, but sighed when he knew that he couldn't. He wouldn't be able to feel okay with himself if he didn't at least bring up his concerns.

"What is the young Master Dick doing here?"

Bruce looked confused for a moment, though this honestly wasn't anything new, but then an idea hit him as to why Alfred asked such a weird question. He was probably testing him on what they had discussed the previous week in private.

"When a man and a woman love each other-"

"That's not what I meant."

Alfred cut him off not really comfortable with going over that subject with Bruce again, and after a moment of them idly standing there and staring at each other, he decided to just continue on.

"What I mean is that the two of you have been spending a great deal of time together. It has been concerning to certain people."

As predicted, Bruce frowned at that.

"We're Batman and Robin. We have to defend Gotham."

Defending Gotham? Like the time Batman and Robin had attacked a clown at a neighbor child's birthday party because they thought he was the Joker? Or the time Batman and Robin beat up an old botanist woman at a local charity event because they thought she was the Poison Ivy they kept hearing about? How about when they jumped into the ring at a wrestling match to fight against some Mexican wrestler that they thought was Bane? Alfred groaned. Thinking about all this was the reason why he got so many headaches.

"Yes, and that is quite smashing Master Bruce. The thing is people are starting to ask questions. The Master and Misses Wayne find your new friendship with a child to be rather odd, and the Graysons are at a loss as to why their son is now seemingly best friends with one of the richest men in Gotham."

Bruce's frown only became more apparent with that statement. It had never crossed his mind how weird it would seem for him to be friends with Dick. He thought for a moment, and then met eyes with Alfred since his butler always watched out for him and always knew what was best.

"Well, what do you think about it?"

He wished that he could tell him the truth, but when he saw that coming heartbreak, Alfred knew that all he could do was lie.

"I think Gotham needs it's Batman and Robin."

And just like that, Bruce was beaming happily.

"You haven't lost faith in me?"

Thinking back to the Master's ridiculous antics, that coupled with the fact that Bruce really did have good intentions at heart to go along with it, strangely Alfred was able to be completely honest with what he said next.

"Never."

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><p>I think I'm going to skip the villain chapter and go with something else for the next update.<p> 


	8. Batman interrogates the Joker

Does this count as a villain chapter? It's mainly about a villain, but there's no real fighting going on. Tell me if it counts if you decide to review.

Disclaimer: Don't own Batman.

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><p>The Joker had no idea where he was other than the fact that it was really late into the night, and as he sat in the dark with his hands resting on the cold table in front of him, he wondered what he had been dragged away from Arkham for. Usually he wouldn't have minded taking a vacation from the asylum, it always being a fun day to bring Gotham to it's knees, but the Joker would have preferred it if whatever was happening had been delayed for another night. He had to be up early in the morning to practice; he, the Riddler, Bane, and the Condiment King had entered the annual Arkham Asylum talent show as a barber shop quartet.<p>

Suddenly, the lights in the room came on and his face was smashed into the metal table in front of him. As soon as the Joker got over the head rush he felt someone punch his hand, and he flinched. He looked up, and saw the Batman sitting across from him on the other side of the table.

"You wanted me? Here I am."

The Joker just blinked, and began rubbing his hand. Seriously, who punches a hand?

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

Leaning forward, Batman does his best to intimidate the Joker with his appearance. He has only a little time that he could waste on this clown.

"Where's Dent?"

Blinking once again, the Joker has no clue what's going on. As he looks up at the Dark Knight, he considers that maybe it's time to move to metropolis. Their superhero might be a bit of a dick, but at least he's not an idiot.

"Who?"

"The District Attorney, Harvey Dent; Gotham's White Knight."

"I don't really keep up with politics, Batsy."

"Then why do you want to kill me?"

The Joker smiles, because even though what is said is coming from completely out of nowhere and makes no sense in the context of the conversation, he had been waiting for the Batman to say a line like that since forever. Criminals, especially the ones that fight masked holier than thou types, have a lot of time to think about things while they are imprisoned. The Joker spends most of his coming up with dramatic speeches.

"I don't, I don't want to kill you! What would I do without you? Go back to ripping off mob dealers? No, no, no, you," he laughs and is acting twitchy since he knows that it adds to the drama of the situation, "you complete me."

Batman is silent for a moment, since he doesn't really have any way to respond to the Joker's statement. So instead, he growled, menacingly of course. Truly, Gotham's unseen protector is a master of wit.

"Dark Knight."

All the Joker could do was sigh disappointingly. Of all the masked and crazed vigilantes in the world he had to be stuck with this moron.

"I can't believe that you're my nemesis."

Ignoring the Joker, Batman leaned back a little. He knew exactly what to say next.

"You're garbage who kills for money."

The Joker stopped rubbing his hand, and began to rub his temples instead. He'd gladly take another batarang to the eye again as long as it meant that he didn't have to sit through any more of this.

"Again, I have no idea what you're talking about. Honestly, I feel like I'm the only one trying in this relationship."

"Where's Dent?"

"I don't know, or care. Just take me back to Arkham. You've put me in a bad mood."

As quick as a bat flies in the night, or as a bat bat-flies as Batman would have said, the dark knight grabbed the Joker by the throat and holds him up against a wall.

"I have one rule."

"Seriously Bats, I'm not in the mood tonight. I have a headache."

As if on purpose, Batman threw the Joker into the one-way mirror that was in the interrogation room, and unsurprisingly the direct hit that was strong enough to smash glass, knocked the clown out. To no one's shock Batman didn't notice, and just began to punch the unconscious clown in the face.

"Where are they?"

Commissioner Gordon and the other police officers watching from the other side of the mirror just began to laugh. They totally just got the Joker back for the time he ruined Gotham PD's annual talent show.

"Where are they?"

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><p>I really want to see: the Joker, the Riddler, Bane, and the Condiment King perform in an actual real barber shop quartet. That would be awesome.<p> 


	9. Two Face Begins

Going to watch the Dark Knight Rises soon, though I still don't like the fact that they made Bane white.

My condolences to the people of Colorado

Disclaimer: Don't own Batman.

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><p>"I think he is a beacon of hope, a symbol that Gotham doesn't need to be afraid anymore. Truly, he is a Dark Knight Rises."<p>

Harvey Dent and Commissioner Gordon just gave each other looks before they turned their attention back onto Bruce Wayne. They were at a diner having lunch, discussing some more professional matters concerning Carmine 'The Roman' Falcone, and they had surprisingly been interrupted by the richest man in Gotham. It was odd enough, but made even more so since Bruce Wayne just randomly walked up to them and said something that made no sense at all.

"What in the world are you talking about?"

Bruce Wayne simply smiled at the two of them, and turned his head slightly to the commissioner as if he was about to say something very important. The commissioner just watched in return, and somehow felt that Mr. Wayne was staring into his soul.

"The Batman is awesome."

Okay, maybe it was a bit more stupid than important, but if America stood for anything, then it stood for the fact that when rich people did stupid things then they were automatically considered important. One simply would have to look at the antics of rich morons such as Kimmy Karbasian, Perris Milton, or...Bruce Wayne, to know that that was true. Capitalism, like Batman, was awesome.

"You mean that lunatic that runs around dressed like a bat?"

Harvey Dent's face was contorted in confusion, and if he had been paying better attention, he would have noticed the glare that Bruce Wayne was sending his direction.

"He defeated the Joker."

Bruce Wayne puffed his chest out triumphantly, and Commissioner Gordon just took a drink out of his soda wondering why one of Gotham's two favorite idiots, the other being the Batman, looked so proud. He had heard the old saying that great minds thought alike, but Gordon never thought that the same principle applied to stupid minds as well.

"Yeah, and he also defeated a few birthday clowns that he thought were the Joker, a mime he thought was the Joker, and a couple of clowns from a traveling circus that he thought were the Joker."

"He still beat the Joker."

Gordon just sighed, not knowing why he was even debating this with Bruce Wayne. Truthfully though, he didn't know what to make of the Batman. According to the criminals he had defeated, among those numbers two of the most ruthless and psychotic super villains of all time, the Batman was a cunning mastermind whose genius was rivaled only by his great strength. According to everyone else though, such as witnesses and this one rather large man named Bob that apparently kept running into the Dark Knight, Batman was kind of stupid. In any case, Gordon just figured that these criminals were just saving face, being too embarrassed at having been caught by the idiot in the bat suit.

"Is there something you need, Mr. Wayne?"

Bruce Wayne's smile lessened a bit, but then grew large again as he stared fiercely at the two men who were eating lunch right in front of him.

"Not me, but there is something that this city needs. It's just not what it deserves."

Commissioner shared a look with Harvey Dent again, and forced a smile in Bruce Wayne's direction. It was early, but maybe the guy was already drunk. Rich folks tended to be irresponsible about things like that. Again, one would simply have to look at rich morons such as Kimmy Karbashian or Perris Milton to know this fact.

"Sounds fantastic, Mr. Wayne."

Bruce Wayne just grinned, and awkwardly stood there for another minute or so before saying something.

"Let me get your bill for you."

Before either Harvey Dent or Commissioner Gordon had a chance to object, Bruce Wayne turned around and accidentally bumped into a waitress. She spilled her coffee into Harvey Dent's face, causing the man to scream in great pain. Unbeknownst to all that were present, that coffee ended up forever warping the mind of Harvey Dent, and he would end up becoming the feared super villain named Two-Face for that very stupid and convoluted reason.

That's what he gets for not going to Starbucks.

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><p>Dark Knight.<p> 


	10. Batman Vs Bane?

So I watched The Dark Knight Rises with my cousins during my trip to Canada. It was a good movie, though, it wasn't the best thing out there in my opinion. The Dark Knight was better than Rises, I think.

Disclaimer: Don't own Batman.

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><p>The Batman's legs were kicking around in the air as Bane was holding him up by his neck. They were 'fighting' inside of a room at a secret military facility located inside of Gotham with a big, probably nuclear, bomb in the middle of it. Bane had the cliched intention of stealing it, since all villains have bomb fetishes, and thus Gotham's Dark Knight was there to make sure that the bomb didn't make it's way into the wrong hands. Instead, Batman would do all he could to keep the United State's war-prone military-complex government to be in charge of the weapon of mass destruction. Yeah, that would be safe.<p>

"It would be easy to break your neck right now, Mr. Wayne, but I won't. I admire you, tú tienes valor. You may not be that smart, Dark Knight, but you're brave."

For some reason Bane let go of Batman's neck and dropped him to the ground. Even though not killing the hero when having an easy chance to was pretty much the biggest mistake that basically every major super villain in the history of anything ever made was prone to commit, Bane, who was supposed to be a genius, decided that this was what he was going to do. He kicked Batman in the gut, breaking a a rib or two as the Dark Knight was kicked across the room, and began to approach his adversary. He gave a smile as Batman clutched at his stomach, barely able to even stand up while doing so.

"Gotham won't bow down to you, Bane."

"You put too much faith in this city of gangsters and mad men. Gotham once bowed to the Falcone family, the legend of the Batman, and even to your parents, Bruce, and now they will bow to me. It will be I who will bring this city to it's knees. I whose name shall forever be chanted."

It was hard, every breath gave him pain, but Batman stood off against Bane even though he had little chance to stop the man now. His ribs were broken, but his spirit would never be. Unless, on the very off chance of course, that SpongeBob was canceled.

"I believe in Gotham."

"I suggest you reconsider that belief. There's a reason that nobody else feels the same way, Mr. Wayne."

Suddenly, a slightly taller than average bald white man with a metal contraption over his mouth burst into the room. He was sporting a long trench coat, and walked around the room menacingly as if he had something very important that he had to say. He met eyes with the Batman and narrowed them as he spoke. It was as if he had somehow been wronged by the Dark Knight some time in the very distant past.

"Mmrbl ffrmrff hmrbblfmm."

The Batman and Bane stopped in their confrontation, and it was the latter who simply scratched his head since he had no idea who the bald white guy was, or what in the world he even said. He walked to Batman's side, and the two of them just stared at the pacing strange man in front of them. After a minute or so, Bane turned his head to Batman to see if he had any idea what was going on.

"Who is that?"

Batman just answered honestly, since he too had no clue what was happening.

"I have no idea."

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><p>Not really a fan of a white Bane. Us Hispanics barely have enough fictional characters as it is. Tom Hardy was good, even if you had to strain your ears to understand him. He did look quite badass.<p> 


	11. Knightfall

It feels good to update. I'm getting over my slump.

Disclaimer: Don't own Batman.

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><p>"Ah!"<p>

Bruce Wayne shot up from the bed that he was laying in and looked around the room, not having any idea where he was at first. After a few moments though, he recognized the Gray Ghost and Dora the Explorer posters in the room and realized that it was his bedroom. His eyes darted across the room taking everything in, but settled when he noticed that there was somebody at the foot of his bed playing video games.

"Alfred! It happened again!"

The young boy playing Mortal Kombat said nothing more, and Bruce simply waited until Alfred entered the room carrying that kind of reserved face that could only be found on an Englishman.

"Hello, Master Bruce. It's good to see that you're awake."

His eyebrows furrowing, like Swiper's do when Dora doesn't let him steal anything, Bruce still wasn't really sure what on Earth was going on.

"What is Jason talking about? What happened?"

"My name is Dick."

The boy played his video game without looking back as he spoke, all the while ripping out Sonya Blade's spine in victory. Dick Grayson wins.

"Sure thing, Damian."

Ignoring the possible brain damage that Bruce faced since he kept forgetting Dick's name, Alfred being a bit surprised if he were to hear that there was anything to actually damage at all, simply and nonchalantly proceeded to explain what was wrong to the young master.

"You've been suffering from amnesia for the past few months. You hurt your head in your battle against the Banes, and your memory keeps fluctuating."

"Bane did this to me?"

"Well, it did happen in your last fight with them."

"Them?"

"White Bane and Regular Bane."

Bruce just sat there, not saying anything at all. Not only had he apparently been beaten in a fight, but there were multiple Banes out there possibly destroying Gotham since he wasn't there to protect it. He had failed his city. He had failed Santa Claus.

"They broke me. They broke the Bat."

"Actually, Sir, neither of them were the ones that hurt you. Not including the broken ribs that you had, of course. You tripped over your cape while running to attack one of them, and you hit your head on the bomb that the two Banes were trying to rob."

"Where are they now?"

"White Bane joined Occupy Gotham, and Regular Bane turned away from his life of crime and got a role on a local Spanish soap opera. The show is actually quite good, if I do say so myself."

"Then I guess justice won?"

"Indeed. Now if you'll excuse me, Master Bruce, I have a show that I need to catch up on using Hulu. I've missed the last two episodes, and I can't keep the people who follow my fan fiction waiting any longer."

Watching as Alfred excused himself to watch his show and possibly write yaoi fiction about it later on, Bruce turned his attention back to Dick who had already started another match.

"Regular Bane's soap opera, Stephanie?"

Dick just kept paying attention to his game of Mortal Kombat, pretending that he didn't hear Bruce calling him by a random girl's name, and also pretending that he wasn't going to end up in therapy when he was older. However, therapy was inevitable seeing as how Dick's future consisted of hooking up with alien chicks while riding around on bird themed motorcycles chasing down a guy that looks like Deadpool from Marvel Comics, only less hilarious. On top of that, he and his still living parents were carnies, and his best friends were a possibly brain damaged man-child who spent his nights in a Bat costume and an aging sarcastic butler. Dick Grayson wins?

"Regular Bane's soap opera."

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><p>Alfred regularly updates his profile on this very website. He is a true gentleman.<p> 


	12. The World's Finest

New for username for myself, new update for you guys. Yay?

Longer chapter than most, but that's because it contains the awesome that is Superman.

Disclaimer: Don't own anything that is the copyrights of DC characters.

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><p>"You'll never win, Luthor."<p>

Superman had been brought to his knees by his enemy Lex Luthor, who was armed with a rock of kryptonite on top of wearing a nuclear powered metal battle suit, and the Kryptonian felt himself becoming weaker with every step that Lex Luthor took closer to him. As he fell within Luthor's shadow, blocking him from the Metropolis sun, he heard his bald enemy chuckle before the villain began to speak.

"I just did, Superman, and the world will finally see you for what you truly are. An invader from the stars, an obstacle that stands in the way of human achievement. You've been holding us back, and with you gone we will be free to reach our potential."

With every instant that passed he had greater difficulty even holding himself up, but Superman refused to go down. He wasn't sure whether or not he would survive this conflict with his great enemy, and at the moment it seemed like he wouldn't, but he wouldn't give Luthor the satisfaction of dying like an animal. He looked up at Luthor, using the last of his strength to stare into his soul, and Superman decided that if he had to die that he would die defiantly.

"There will always be someone to stand up for truth and justice."

Superman shut his eyes as Lex Luthor prepared his mecha fist for the killing blow, but he opened them back up again as heard something crash and as he felt the sun of Metropolis shining back on him. Standing up, feeling his energy return to him, Superman saw that Lex Luthor was now a good twenty feet away from him, mangled in his robotic suit, and that there was now a blue Nissan Stanza sitting where Luthor had been standing. The super villain had been hit by the car.

Looking back at the twitching Luthor, seeing that he wasn't going anywhere, Superman put his attention back on the car that had a man in a poorly stitched Bat-suit sitting in the driver's seat, and a little boy riding shotgun. Deciding to ignore what easily qualified as child endangerment, Superman waited for the driver of the Nissan Stanza to get out of the car and approach him.

"Thanks for the assist, Luthor almost had me back there."

Superman knew that he was in trouble the moment that the man in the poorly stitched Bat-suit began grinning like a little boy in candy shop, which also happened to be one that sold comic books and psychic tandem war-elephants.

"It's no problem, Super Pal. Us superheroes have to stick together."

Raising an eyebrow in skepticism, especially since crashing a rather old car that had a child in it into a man wearing a mecha suit armed with countless missiles and lasers didn't really convey heroism, Superman shuffled awkwardly for a moment.

"You're a superhero?"

"I'm Batman, Gotham's Dark Knight and silent protector."

Nodding his head, the Man of Steel suddenly realized why exactly the person in front of him had an air about him that was the rare combination of both insane and insanely stupid. Starting a family and raising a child in Gotham City was asking for that child to grow up to be either a criminal or a lunatic, usually both.

"So, uh, you hit Luthor with a car?"

"It's my newest Batmobile. My old Vista Cruiser wasn't missile launcher compatible."

Superman wasn't quite sure what to make of the self-proclaimed superhero that was in front of him. Clearly Batman meant well, otherwise the Gotham native wouldn't have helped him against Lex Luthor, but he had to question the wisdom of attaching missiles of all things to an old car that could barely run. Studying the Nissan Stanza for a moment, Superman came to the conclusion that the car was probably in even worse shape before it had run over Luthor.

"Why's it powder blue?"

"Huh?"

"If your car is a Batmobile, then why is it blue? Wouldn't black be better?"

Batman looked over at his Batmobile for a second, scratched his butt, and then turned back to Superman. The Dark Knight didn't seem to notice the Kryptonian's look of disgust.

"Blue works just fine for conveying the mantle of the Bat."

"Bats aren't blue."

"You've obviously never played Pokemon."

"Right." Hating to be rude like Mama Kent had always taught him, but hating even more trying to have actual conversations with people who probably didn't even know how to spell the word 'conversations', Superman began slowly floating away. He considered offering Batman and his possibly kidnapped sidekick a lift back home, but decided against it when he saw Batman scratch his butt again, "I think I should go, but thanks for the help again. The police should be able to handle Luthor from here."

Puffing his chest out in pride for helping another superhero out for the first time, Batman felt like going out for Pizza with Alfred and Robin to celebrate later. He stopped though when he saw something shiny buried beneath some rocks that were beside his Batmobile. Walking over to the rocks, and digging out what was shinning through, what he found was some sort of green shiny stone. Figuring that it probably belonged to Superman, Batman called out to the Man of Steel before tossing the green rock in his direction as hard as he could.

"Oh hey, you dropped this!"

Turning to face Batman, Superman would later greatly regret this decision.

"Wha-"

Metropolis' favorite son never finished what he was going to say, because a huge chunk of kryptonite became lodged in his mouth. Feeling his power became almost non-existent within the next second, Superman plunged back to the Earth, and landed right beside the mangled Lex Luthor. All he could do was twitch in unison with Luthor, and almost die, as he heard a car start up and begin to drive away. The Man of Steel decided that if he survived what had just happened to him, that he would have a new archenemy.

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><p>I'm here all week.<p> 


	13. I Believe in Harvey Dent

So, this isn't one of my more serious stories. The point of this story, at least when I started, was to give myself a chance to write short silly little updates when I was bored or when I was stuck on another chapter for a different story. I think that maybe I neglected this story because of that? On one hand I'm not writing Shakespeare or Twain or anything like that right here, but on the other hand I realized that I never took into account that some people have actually read this story and have looked forward to it continuing. Anyways, here we go.

Disclaimer: Don't own Batman.

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><p>"Put the gun down, Harvey," Batman could barely say, as he was clutching at his gun wound, while leaning on a pillar that was right in front of where Harvey Dent was holding Commissioner Gordon, Robin, and a fat guy named Bob hostage, "you don't have to do this."<p>

"I think that I do, Dark Knight. Fair is fair," Harvey replied as he pushed his pistol deeper into the back of Robin's head, his free hand flipping a coin over and over again. The world had been cruel to the former district attorney, and now it was Harvey's turn to show his own cruelty for once.

"You're both idiots," muttered Commissioner Gordon, who was strapped to the chair right in between Robin and Bob, somehow having been kidnapped by Gotham's newest poor excuse for a criminal mastermind.

"Shut up, Commissioner. You're partly to blame for what happened."

"Me?" Gordon almost shouted from where he had been strapped, not ever thinking for a second, well at least before Dent had kidnapped him anyways, that Harvey would think some of the responsibility of Two-Face's creation was on him, "It was that idiot Bruce Wayne who spilled that coffee on you!"

"Hey now," a heavily breathing Batman interrupted as he tried to stand on his own, before falling back and having to lean against the pillar he was at, "I don't think we should be going off and blaming Bruce Wayne for anything now. He seems like a nice fellow who I definitely am not under this mask."

With that, it was then that Gordon realized something life changing about the identity of the mysterious Batman, Gotham's silent protector. He didn't care at all who he was.

There were more important things on Gordon's mind, such as the fact that there was one idiot who has threatening to kill him at the moment, and the only person who was apparently available to help him was also the only other person that was probably just as stupid as Harvey Dent was, barring Bruce Wayne of course. Still, stupid didn't mean that Harvey didn't know how to use a gun, and about a minute of silence passed after Batman had advocated for Bruce Wayne, and now Harvey had moved in front of him, and began holding his pistol directly right in Gordon's face.

"You-" Harvey began to say, before being cut off by Batman.

"No siree, no living a secret double life and striking fear into the hearts of criminals for good ol' Bruce Wayne."

Harvey blinked and Gordon groaned, and after a moment, Harvey decided to just ignore the Batman. Gripping his trusted two-sided coin that was now just as warped as he was, he embraced the fact that destiny was going to be Gordon's judge, with himself acting as the executioner.

"You live," Harvey said darkly, showing him the perfect side of his coin, before flipping it over to show him the side that was now just as twisted as he was, "you die."

"What's the difference?" Gordon simply asked, not being able to tell whatever was supposed to be unique about either side of the coin, both seeming to just look the same if he had to be honest about it.

"This side has a coffee stain on it."

"Of course it does."

And with that, Harvey Dent flipped his coin, deciding that he would be the courier that delivered Gordon's fate. However, he couldn't help but frown when he caught his coin again and saw what the result was.

"Huh."

"What?"

"Apparently, you get to live."

Apparently, living also came with awkward silences.

"Can you please let me go then?" Gordon responded after a minute, feeling more uncomfortable than the time he had to go undercover as a lady of the night, mustache and all, to try and pull a sting operation on the Penguin for his black market dealings. The mission had gone well enough, and Gordon hadn't minded it at all, but then the Penguin proposed to him, and Gordon had run off and ruined the mission since he never was one for long-term commitment.

Not knowing what else to do since his whole plan had lead up to him murdering Commissioner Gordon in a fit of poetic justice, Harvey scratched his head for a moment, before looking towards the bleeding Batman.

"Redo?"

"Sounds reasonable," replied the Batman, giving a literal thumbs up to Harvey Dent.

Sighing, Gordon just slumped in his chair once again, and wondered to himself if maybe there was something wrong with Gotham's water supply.

"I hate this city," was the only thing that Gordon could think to say as Harvey Dent prepared to flip his coin again. Perhaps it was the fact that he had a good chance of dying at the moment, or maybe it was even that water that Gordon had found himself musing about, but there was a part of him that wondered what the Penguin was doing at that very moment. Shrugging, Gordon decided that if he lived through the night, that he would the Penguin a call first thing in the morning.

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><p>If anyone of you haven't seen the animated adaptions of The Dark Knight Returns, you're definitely missing out.<p>

I haven't decided if I'm going to stop at chapter 15 or at chapter 20. Be prepared for either.


	14. The Man of Steel

So, I went to the midnight release of the Man of Steel last week, as some of you guys may have guessed I would have. I've never seen so many Superman shirts or people wearing capes in one place before.

Disclaimer: DC is the owner.

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><p>Just like Ma and Pa Kent had always taught him to when he was raised as a boy back in Smallville, Superman had decided to forgive the Batman when the Dork Knight had once again found himself fighting crime in Metropolis. It was a heartwarming venture between two heroes who represented opposites, not darkness and light as how most outsiders would have seen it, but instead intelligence and, well, kind of stupidity, but it didn't last long because it was at that moment when General Zod and his forces had once again attacked Metropolis with the intention of finally killing Kal-El.<p>

As would have been expected, Superman and Gotham's rooftop protector had decided to try and fight off Zod and his forces, but in the end neither had quite the strength to oppose them. Battered and nearly broken, an almost breathless Superman and a Batman who was surprisingly still alive, stood and watched as General Zod began to slowly approach them, soldiers at his side and Metropolis burning at his back.

"And now, finally, you will kneel before Zod!" said Zod bellowed out as if he were an actor on a stage. He had waited a long time to kill Jor-El's son, or if not to at least have him bend his knee. Metropolis would be his Rome, and Superman his Rubicon.

"Never!" Superman yelled out in defiance, before turning his head to stare at what he assumed was going to be his equally defiant comrade. Except, what he saw instead was Batman preparing to kneel just like General Zod had demanded of them. "Seriously, Batman?"

"Dude, he can shoot lasers out his eyes! I'm enemies with guys like the Joker and the Riddler. The first of which has the power of dressing up like a clown, and the second asks me like math questions or whatever from time to time."

"But he's the bad guy."

"Dude, freakin' laser beams!"

Ignoring the very possible death coming from the man who had destroyed much of Metropolis already, also forgetting the fact that he himself was gravely injured, Superman began to stand upright and scratched his head. According to 4chan and 9gag, Batman was supposed to be some great hero out of Gotham, a whisper only spoken in the darkest alley of the night. So far, Superman had never been impressed with him. Sure, he had taken out Luthor before by running over the guy, but even a broken clock is right twice a day as is often said in Smallville.

"I said-" General Zod began to dramatically yell out, before being interrupted by Superman.

"Hold on, we're talking here."

"But-"

"I said hold on."

"Fine, whatever."

General Zod seemed a bit put off by his rudeness, as would Ma and Pa Kent had they seen it since just because someone is a genocidal maniac doesn't mean that you can't be nice to them, but Superman couldn't get the thought of Batman willing to bow to Zod out of his mind.

"Heroes don't bow to the bad guys."

As Batman opened his mouth to respond, he suddenly remembered something that Alfred had packed in his utility belt before he had decided to head off to Metropolis. As he dug in his utility belt, he pulled out a dark green visor with lenses that were a lighter shade, and put them on.

Without saying a word, and without noticing that Superman immediately felt the effects of his visor that had kryptonite for lenses, Batman immediately blasted Zod with the radiation kryptonite lasers that his visor had been engineered to shoot.

Superman only face palmed once he knew for sure what made up the visor that Batman had put on, and decided that he would remain allies with the Batman, if only just to avoid ever being blasted by those kryptonite shades by the clumsy idiot.

"Freakin' laser beams."

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><p>Now, time to go look at rule34 of Batgirl and Harley Quinn.<p> 


	15. infinite Crisis

And so Batman walked forward from the crowd of all the heroes that had gathered there in the streets of Central City to combat Darkseid and his invading force, although most of them had no idea whatsover who the idiot dressed like a bat was.

"I challenge you, Darkseid!" Batman yelled out both courageously and rather stupidly considering the current circumstances, "One on one combat. If I win, you leave this world, and if you win then you do what you must."

Darkseid laughed and agreed to the bold challenge. Batman spent the next nine months in a body cast.


	16. The Darkseid of Politics

Anyone know of any good conventions in the LA/Long Beach area?

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><p>As Bruce was finally wheeled out of the hospital as was protocol by one of the orderlies, he stood up and greeted the world again. After his daring fight with Darkseid, a fight he sacrificed his body for and had no doubt gained the respect of his fellow heroes, he knew deep inside that the world still needed the Dark Knight, and that hopefully they had found a way to fight without him since he had been out of commission for nine entire months. Although, as he saw Alfred pull up with his car to pick him up, his best pal Dick sitting in the back, Bruce grinned as he hopped in the car and as they would undoubtedly head off to go get some breakfast. Striking fear into the hearts of criminals could wait until he could strike a grand slam from Denny's into the hunger of his stomach.<p>

"Hey, Alfred! Hey, Dick!" Bruce cheerfully greeted as he strapped in his seat belt like a good boy, and as they began to drive. "Let's go get some Denny's!"

"Denny's, Master Bruce?" Alfred questioned, personally preferring IHOP.

Bruce excitedly nodded, and Alfred gave a defeated sigh since they never went to IHOP anymore. The one time they had all gone together, Bruce saw a really scary mime and began to cry. The young master was twenty-three at the time.

"Okay, Denny's is fine, but first we have to get past the protestors."

Not really caring since he was too pumped about his grand slam, Bruce only asked offhandedly, "What are they protesting?"

From the back seat, Dick looked up from his copy of _Leaves of Grass _by Walt Whitman before he answered. "They're protesting Darkseid trying to run the country."

The formerly soft features of his face hardened, and Bruce's eyes narrowed as he began to stare in front of him. It all made sense now. When Batman had fallen, so had the rest of the world. "Alfred, where is my suit?"

"At the dry cleaner's, Sir." the butler responded without even looking at Bruce.

"I meant my batsuit." Bruce clarified.

"At the dry cleaner's, Sir." Alfred repeated, bummed since he had hoped that after having spent nine months in a body cast, that Bruce would have given up the mantle of the Bat.

Annoyed, but deciding to ignore it, Bruce shook his head in shame that he had allowed the world to fall to Darkseid. He kept on staring out into the city as they drove, and knew what he had to do. "Drive us to Darkseid, Alfred. I need to defeat him once and for all."

As he drove, Alfred made a turn in the opposite direction of where the protest was happening, despite the fact that that would have almost doubled the driving distance to Denny's. "Yeah, you can't fight Darkseid."

Bruce clenched his fist. "We can't allow him to lord over this world anymore!"

Not moving his eyes from his book, Dick piped up from the backseat. "He's not lording over anything yet."

His fist unclenched, and Bruce's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"He means that Darkseid is running for President of the United States with Lex Luthor as his running partner." Alfred practically spat, always being sickened by how crooked politics were. "After you were hospitalized he decided to try to take over the country legally, and joined the only political party more evil and cruel than Darkseid himself. He easily won their nomination."

It was one of the most horrifying things that Bruce had ever heard. "Which political party could be that horrible?"

Again from the backseat, Dick helpfully answered. "The Republicans."

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><p>To any Republicans, I love you guys. Haha, just having a bit of fun.<p> 


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